No words. Nothing. Over the last 5 days I’ve managed to write nothing, and I know why. It’s not because of:
LACK OF MOTIVATION
LACK OF INSPIRATION
It’s because of that old pain in the ass – SELF DOUBT. I’ve received decent critiques, people seem to like what I write, my husband has incredible faith in me – so why am I STILL doubting myself???
I have a few short story competitions I would love to enter with the deadlines drawing near and I can’t bring myself to write for them – nothing seems good enough to me. Maybe I should pretend the competitions don’t exist and write for me – I think that’s what I should do. I am on the verge of writing, but will I actually write today? I f@*&$%# hope so. It’s amazing the power SELF DOUBT can have over someone, as I’m sure you all know.
I was speaking at a local high school about writing. Afterward, a girl came up to me with a notebook of handwritten poems. She showed them to me shyly and asked,
“Are they good enough?”
I didn’t need to read them to know that they were good enough. She was fifteen. She had a dream. While her friends were playing violent video games and getting pregnant, she was writing poetry. That’s good enough for me.
“They are wonderful,” I said.
I am not sure we were talking about the same thing.
It’s a big question for a writer: am I good enough?
Am I good enough to get published? To get reviewed? To win an award? To make money? To come out in hardcover? To move people to tears? To win the respect of my older brother who said I would never make it?
I’m sitting here browsing Facebook with the cat curled up under the desk (watching some hilarious videos – constructive I know) when all of a sudden the video pauses…weird I think to myself – what made that happen? I press play to be further entertained, a goofy smile on my face, when it happens again. Hmmm, weird again. I press play for a 3rd time and get to watch the video in full, but as I’m browsing for more mindless fodder the mouse pointer changes to a strange symbol and refuses to move. What fresh hell is this?! Can’t a woman just FB in peace???
These are some likely reasons – what do you think was going on???
A} The mouse cord was strangely half unplugged causing it to malfunction and rendering it useless ’til fixed.
B} I didn’t realise I was actually leaning my elbow on the keyboard, these mac keyboards are so lightweight.
C} The cat was fast asleep – the secondary mouse hidden under is backside.
D} I had fallen asleep and was actually dreaming the whole thing – of all things to dream about???
It’s after midnight and baby has woken again for his bottle. After I quickly feed him, reposition him and cover him with his blanket I drag my feet to the bed only to discover my husband has rolled over and also conquered my side of the bed…whilst I stand there and contemplate the tiny corner of the mattress left for me, and briefly consider the floor, I also take a minute to observe my family fast asleep – and smile to myself, thankful. I’d sacrifice my sleep, my bed, and myself happily if it meant they would sleep this soundly every night. Content with what was left for me I squeezed my backside onto the bed. Admittedly I tried wrestling for the blanket – What? My feet were cold! – and now that everyone’s asleep, Mum is wide awake!!!